Love and Hate for the Rule-Breaker

 We all love the rule-breaker and hate him/her too. Wow, English is so complicated like that with genders. Hopefully this writeup won't be too complicated.

What motivated this inquiry, not surprisingly, was a reel on Instagram, where a guy spoke about the average number of seconds another person waits to respond to you in different cultures within Europe. In the more "northern" countries, they wait for an average of 0.9 seconds while in "southern" countries like Italy and Greece, this time is 0.2 seconds. He also emphasized in relation to this, the general values of personal space and self-restraint in the long pause countries vs emphasis on passionate expression and enthusiastic solidarity in the short pause countries. This is one reason, he said, "western" Europeans perceive immigrants to be "rude", and immigrants perceive the "western" Europeans to be unnatural and awkward.

First thing I felt was good and so vindicated. I am not a southern European but lets say the culture is the most similar to more "natural" parts of the world. This was one of the conflict points in my previous relationship, him being German. To him, I was always cutting him off without letting him finish his thoughts, was too emotional, and sometimes impolite because I didn't say stuff like please or spoke in the imperative (although the tone of my voice expressed exactly what I meant). I did try to explain to him, but I also tried to adjust to him a lot. So much that it went against me and I started getting physically sick. At some point I started rebelling. I felt really heartbroken when we broke up, but in terms of my health I felt so much relief to finally not have these expectations placed on me.

If culture can affect your development and health in such a fundamental way, I can see why it could be so, so difficult to adjust to a new culture. The professional or other superficial interactions could probably still work, but with personal life it could make it difficult for you to be yourself. Even if you are super aware that nobody is "wrong" here. But who adjusts? Whoever adjusts their health is going to take a hit. It dawns upon me that it's almost always women who adjust! In spite of them being the more frail one from among the 2 genders. It's women who have traditionally left their homes and families and everything they knew to go live in another society and adjust to their rules. Somehow women have always been expected to have this superpower, which was by the way never acknowledged because people in the society could only see the sweet deal that a man is going to provide for the woman. And today even that is not true in so many cases, and women still adjust. They move, they learn the language, they learn the culture, they adopt a new identity. Women have always been immigrants. I guess, the maximum protection they could provide against this was to marry close by and within the same culture/society, so as to minimize the adjustment and it's impact on health. I guess my ex also subconsciously expected me to adjust. But I wanted us to meet halfway, I wanted him also to learn about my language and my culture as much as me. That was not acceptable to him. 

I mean, I don't blame him. Perhaps it would be bad for his health after all.

I also think that a part of me was very tired of fighting against the society all my life, and for once I wanted to just fully give in and try to be a part of it, try to connect to it somehow, try to find a belonging. It seemed a bit easier for me in that society as it seemed to have less irrational rules and diplomatic behavior as compared to the society I grew up in, where it was impossible for me to belong. I also found love there, which I never found in my society of origin. I wanted to feel belonging. I thought I could push myself to meet the expectations here. Finally there was some chance that I could actually realistically integrate, and I wanted to take this chance.

In Germany, I see that people are sometimes jealous and even angry at me for being too confident. Happened in India too. Whereas in the US I was more appreciated for it. I see that they feel angry because they have adjusted to the rules in a very fundamental way and cannot break out of it. So, they get angry at somebody who is able to get out of it. "Why should only I suffer?" I imagine their logic. And if I suffer because of my failure to adjust they think it's a character flaw. Honestly, I want to say to them, "You adjusted to these rules, yay well good for you!". It's not bad, it's just a system. Like any other system, it has some rules. People in the system internalize those rules. Those rules gives them some benefits but also hold them prisoners. For example, let's say you are unable to bring yourself to publicly talk about a topic you are no expert on, because in your culture you would be making a fool of yourself if you did that. And then I who has even lesser knowledge than you perhaps, go up to the podium and confidently talk about whatever I know, it makes you jealous. Because I broke the unsaid rule "don't talk about something you don't know about". And then you hate me that I broke the rule. But usually you are not consciously aware of this. You can only feel some rage or hate.

What you are sometimes consciously aware of is breaking of more superficial rules. Rules which are not internalized in your biology so deeply but rather a rule which you wish you could break. And when someone actually breaks that rule, it gives you permission to break it yourself too. And then you feel really good and you love the rule-breaker. It is one of the things my ex actually found very attractive about me. It made things lighter and fun and a bit adventurous. But then when it went "too far" (invited challenging interceptions) it wasn't fun anymore. And, as in my previous paragraph, when it was that they put themselves into a subconscious prison which they cannot break out of because their biology is formed that way, and then they integrate this by justifying the existence of that prison and voluntarily agreeing to be inside it, they hate the rule-breaker. They feel threatened. I guess they are scared that others in the prison could get encouraged and leave and that they would be the only one stuck alone in the prison? Or probably they just hate their own limitation.

A memory crosses my mind. I was learning how to drive on a Zipcar I rented, with a friend of mine, when I hit the curb and possibly damaged the car. I was like backing up to drive properly again and he got so, so angry. He was like, you just damaged the car. You are supposed to just be scared, give up the wheel and let me drive the rest of the way. I was like, "what?" I understand I made a mistake. But it doesn't destabilize me so much that I cannot drive anymore. I will learn from my mistake and try to be more careful. Why is that a problem? He just couldn't cool down and see my point at all. To him, if I made a mistake I am supposed to feel a lot of guilt and repent. He went to the extent of calling me a psycho.

Another memory crosses my mind. I was at an afterparty to the Holi festival organized by the Indian Students Association. There was a young, loving couple in the group. The girl was kind of in the limelight (idk in all Indian groups there are always few girls who are in the limelight and want to be the main focus, bla bla, I am struggling a bit to describe this phenomenon. But in this case, for example, it was a dance group, and these 3-4 girls just went and stood like in the front of the formation - I am guessing there might have been some polite diplomatic negotiations amongst them still, but all of them get to the front. And they decided all the dance steps and just dictated them to the others. It's not democratic, they don't care about the opinion of the others - the other dancers are just background props to them. Let's say there are those who are very competitive, and there are others who don't want to compete and so they just keep quiet and let things happen. My story is different, I didn't belong to either groups, I was a rebel thereby getting attention without competing or following stupid social norms :).) Anyway, this girl was in the limelight group. 

But this is a story about my prison. This girl, she meets a guy there she is very excited about and they both get drunk and are low-key flirting. Her boyfriend is right there. Everybody is right there. I start to feel extremely uncomfortable. I am also drunk and at some point of time I start talking about it to a small group of people. You guys are so conservative about everything, how can you all be ok about this? How can her boyfriend be ok with this? I don't remember everything but I remember I was really mad about this kind of behavior being casually accepted. How much I had suffered inside and destroyed my soul when I cheated on my ex-ex-boyfriend. How much! My world came crashing. Even before that how much I had restricted myself from talking with guys I found interesting. And when stuff happened, I found absolutely no vindication, no consolation, no understanding, no explanations, no sympathy, no empathy, nothing! From my friends. It was not even a topic for them while it was eating me alive. On the other hand, what a  catastrophe it was for us - me and my ex-ex. And here, it was ok, just a part of youth. Like, why was I punished so much then? Yeah, that was my prison. I was so, so disturbed.

So did I get out of that prison? You must understand that it was simply a part of my biology, my sexuality. I think I viewed relationships in a more sacred way than they did, they probably viewed their relationship to parents like that. Whatever. I couldn't break free just like that. I sort of did though, but it took so many years. To find some understanding and compassion for myself, for the part which went against the prison. I believe the prison has been removed. In its place stand some healthy boundaries and a knowledge of my biological and sexual needs that I listen to and that guide me. The rebel is working with the team. It maybe took 10 years, but I am not angry at that girl in the party anymore. I think I was jealous that she was so confident to express that part of herself and be accepted in a society which never accepted me. I was also jealous that she was not more insecure than her boyfriend. I am not jealous of these things anymore. At this moment, I even feel zero interest in getting any validation from the society. Probably i've got a lot from my friends and especially my ex, I've also given a lot to myself and I've kept away from triggers. But perhaps most importantly, my boyfriend validates me a lot. And of course, therapy! :)

Spilled Milk

 ... Bella Ciao Ciao Ciao...

As I came across a snippet of this revolutionary song while scrolling, the first words that came to my mind were "Spilled Milk". And you might ask, why is that? So let me explain.

As per my limited knowledge, this was an Anthem for an Italian revolutionary workers movement. I wondered about these movements and revolutions. What makes loving parents take up arms, take to the streets and fight to death, endangering the lives of their loved ones? In what universe could that be a rational thing to do? Instead of, say, find a small boat and escape to a distant land away from this chaos and rebuild a simple, hard-working but happy life from scratch. 

And the answer that came to me was: because there is no other way. Not because it is physically not possible, but because it is emotionally not possible. I mean, once you have come face-to-face with suffering and injustice of a certain level, this is now spilled milk. You cannot put this back into the glass. You cannot undo the knowing of evil. Then, how do you continue living? It would damage your psyche for sure unless you fight with this evil. (Of course, you could join forces with this evil, but that would damage your psyche even further.) Even if you sail away to a far off distant land, you are taking your damaged psyche with you. The resolution to the problem of survival may have been solved, but the resolution to the psychic damage from meeting evil would always remain elusive. And if you ignore it, you will unconsciously pass on the trauma to your children, generation after generation would suffer without even knowing why. So, it makes sense that you might want to take the full force of this blow and. not pass it on to the next generation's burden. 

All this is of course my speculation. It is hard to know how they felt unless you are in the exact same situation. There are places in the mind you haven't traveled to, a privilege you should be thankful for. But the mind develops through little explorations, isn't it? Well, how much of this is growth, and at what point does it becomes damage? There is no answer to this because it really depends on the specific case. Every experience, every blow - can either be used for growth or for damage. No one is to blame, but both these outcomes are possible, I think depending on how much effort you are wiling to make, how much you seek.

In other words, the solution to every "mental health problem" exists. Some are of course more difficult than others.

Someone is going on with life, there are some rules and everything is great. This goes on, until something breaks. Until one day one is faced with a situation that abruptly breaks this paradigm. The milk is spilled. A door has already been opened which you cannot close. You cannot unsee what you saw. Well, then instead of fighting with it, you find a way to harmoniously live with this. Is this dysfunction? No. That is literally how experiences expand your brain. This is your new life now, and it necessarily needs to be different from your old life. There is no definition of how little or how much this can be before one starts calling it dysfunctional. Actually, dysfunction doesn't exist. Of course, some ways of attempting to solve this new problem are more constructive than others. But all instinctive attempts make sense and do take one closer to solving the psychic wound.

And different people have different kinds of psychic wounds. Which makes putting people in boxes inherently a violent thing to do (although I understand that the brain does this to simplify things especially in a perceived dangerous situation where it is imperative to act fast). Anyway, the people in the Swaminarayan community have a psychic wound where I suspect their focus has become very negative. And they have found a way, a ritual, a practice, that helps them live happily or maybe take them closer to easing the pain from this wound. The absolutely need the exceptional prostrate submission to God. Someone needs dancing and singing, someone needs silence. Someone needs sex, someone needs celibacy. Someone needs rebellion, someone needs submission. People need different religions, different lifestyles, different political systems even. I don't understand the need to fight for a "true" system. But I don't know, if you say something works because of absolute faith, then you cannot not believe this to be the absolute truth applicable to everybody - and thus by definition prevent you from seeing the nuance. In fact, in this situation, the nuance becomes your enemy and somewhat of a threat to survival. And you fight it like one, I guess. People fight to preserve their systems. 

Sometimes, this could become a vicious cycle. Or a dirty little puddle, as I want to call it. The system itself can induce a specific kind of psychic injury which makes the system necessary for survival. That's quite a scary thought. Maybe it's possible to transcend these things. As I said earlier, some ways of trying to heal are better than others. 

Moral of the story: don't be afraid of spilled milk. Accidents happen all the time and milk can get spilled by mistake. Anytime, anywhere. Keep cool, calm down, take inventory. Denial is not going to help you, and crying or panicking will certainly not. Trust that there are sponges and cleaning gear available for everything you could have possibly spilled. Spilled milk. Or blood. Or stinky trash. Or sticky slime so hard to clean. There is always a way. If you keep calm and look for a solution. There is no need to overreact, nothing is lost, it's a small setback but it can be taken care of. Relax. Breathe.

Don't be too attached to the past. Do not cry over spilled milk.

When things seem to be at their absolute worst, remember one thing: you can always make it even worse 😈  Lol, don't do it.