A Difficult Decision

I screamed. A loud shrill scream. A sharp pang of pain shot through my body. I could feel his teeth cut through the skin on my right arm, digging deeper and deeper, spilling out blood. I had known that he was a vampire who thirsted for my blood but I was never afraid because I knew that the others would save me from any harm. They tried, of course, but who can stand up against a vampire?

I couldn’t blame them. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. It seems I had underestimated the danger.

There was no hope for me now. My breath was coming out in gasps. The leafy canopy above was blurring out of my view. Something was flowing all over my body- I wasn’t able to distinguish tears, sweat or blood.

I knew I was dying. I was just waiting.

------

When I opened my eyes, a cool breeze was blowing over my face, my soft hair gently stroking me. The sky above was a tranquil blue. The earth below felt soft. I liked it. Smiled, and closed my eyes again.

I was shaken back into the reality by a jerk from one of them.

Oh! So they had really saved me. I was right in trusting them. I smiled again but my smile was not returned. With a worried expression I was told to hurry up and escape from the place as fast as possible. I did as I was told. I did not want to put them into another unnecessary trouble because of me.

I ran till I reached home. My sister was still asleep. Her heavy breathing had not altered even a tiny bit since I had left her side. She seemed to be lost in another world of her own. I wondered how much I loved her. I lied down beside her and soon fell asleep.

-------

She was chewing my fingers! My sister! What was up with her? Oh my god! She was trying to eat me. She must be out of her senses. Somewhere something is going wrong.

I pulled my hand away from her grip, as hard as I could, and began to run away. She came for me, a burning hunger in her face.

I locked the bedroom door behind me, still panting. I could hear her frantic thumps behind the door. This just couldn’t be happening....

------

My senses got the better of me and I woke up from my sleep. Huff! Everything had been a dream then.

But somehow, I couldn’t discard this as just another scary dream. The situations might have been absurd but the feelings were real. Yeah, I was still feeling tortured. I had thought that a good, sweet nap would put the matter out of my head. Even temporarily. I was wrong. I had to make a decision. I had to choose. And Now. No matter how much this is going to hurt me or anyone else.

Confused

I'd written this around the middle of our second semester

There was some sort of frustration. However, a blast of air, rich with the scent of rotting tamarind, swept it away to some corner of the mind. The other things came into focus.

I was returning to the hostel, from mess, seated near the window of our IISER bus. The night was cool. The humid burden that was building up in the air since the past few days was finally shed this afternoon. The rain-washed earth gave off the most delicious fragrance. As an immediate aftermath I was high. I kept chattering, even while I was in the process of spreading my bacteria on the agar medium, or while I was preparing my molybdenum blue. I wasn’t yet tired. Till I remembered I had got work to do.

And work always consisted of much more stuff to do than the ‘real’ thing. I didn’t go much further from here.

Then I reflect, things were not so tough back home (Oh, how I miss home!) when I used to go to a school I loathed then. But I miss it now. All the memories whizz through the mind. I realise there was really no valid reason to hate school.

And then I came to this Institute, Indian Institute of Science Education and Research. I was very excited. I had seen the wonderful instruments around. I had seen the pictures in the ‘Kalpa’ magazine and some light-hearted printouts stuck up near the PhD experiment tables. Wow! I am going to become a scientist! And that too, a creative one, I thought. It will be wonderful working with these people I see around. And since this is a new institute, it is going to be us who are going to shape it. We will have so much scope! So much freedom, so much opportunity.

The first semester seems to have passed in the wink of an eye. Everything was new, everyone was enthusiastic. There seemed to be so much time and yet not enough. We always wanted to do something though we did not know what.

Why don’t I feel the same now? It is the second semester. I am beginning to feel homesick. Things around seems to have changed. And I do not know for how long this is going to remain. Some sort of boredom, some sort of emptiness has set in and I am still trying to fight my way through- this must not be an equilibrium.

I ask myself, why? A flood of thoughts respond at the same time and in the commotion my answer is lost. I ignore it and go on, trying to keep my mind occupied with neutral things, like science.

I see people around, lost in their work, not caring to reflect. I envy them. I wonder, did they ever have to face the confusion I feel at the moment. Or am I the only one confused?

There Isn't Time!

~by Eleanor Farjeon
0ne of my favourite childhood poems that has inspired the address of this blog


There isn't time, there isn't time
To do the things I want to do,
With all the mountain-tops to climb,
And all the woods to wander through,
And all the seas to sail upon,
And everywhere there is to go,
And all the people, every one
Who lives upon the earth, to know.
There's only time, there's only time
To know a few, and do a few,
And then sit down and make a rhyme
About the rest I want to do.

ME versus ME

So I have created a blog...finally!
But posting something is another matter entirely, it appears.

I think of what to post. Perhaps, something I feel strongly about? And then I hear a rebuke inside me, this is not a political forum! At least, don't begin it that way.

Alright. What about something weird and cosmic? Something totally out of this world? Not a bad idea, actually. But don't give me that vampire stuff.
Hey! That's good! It's not so bad, I mean. It's little stupid but that's how it is supposed to be, you know, dreamy stuff. But maybe you are right. That wouldn't make a proper beginning.

I can surely put up that article which I wrote for the college magazine. Damn me! I'm not finding it...

Let me help. Would you like to begin with the poems you wrote? Just don't call them poems if you aren't sure they are...
Oh, yeah! And it will be so wonderful and all. Just shut up for a while, will you?

Science, philosophy...all that will take some time. But I need to post something right now! My blog has been empty since ages. (Let's not get into the argument if it is alright to call an empty blog a blog.)

---------

I've just got back from home to continue my summer project over here. I was ill; thought I would take rest today. After about an hour's nap Hunger and Sleep were fighting inside me, with the alarm tone playing in the background. This went on for about half-an-hour before I finally decided to go out and have some bread-patis, as they call it. Never imagined the weather outside would drive me crazy enough to just keep walking! The balmy breeze led the way...and look where I landed: an internet-cafe! I opened up my blog.

Let's start typing. Impulses will do the rest.
Yeah. I agree with you. This time.