The Fall

 Life is interesting when you are going through something. But aren't you always going through something? That is the very definition of life - and yet you panic. Because you fear the wind pushing your ship around and forget that when at the steering wheel the wind is your friend. When you are surfing, the waves are your friends. Yes, they are unpredictable and they should be, because how else is a dance possible?

I thought I'd hate everything. I thought I'd see the world through dark grey shades. I had fallen in love with the winter, grown attached even. And I didn't want it to end. I was scared. What I didn't know was that I had just fallen in love. When spring came I fell in love with spring and when summer came I fell in love with summer. I fell in love with my friends, I also fell in love with strangers. I fell in love with the guy sitting beside me in the tram. I fell in love with the shopkeeper who gave me free baklava. I fell in love with the colors. I fell in love with Berlin. I fell in love with life. And this wouldn't have happened if I didn't first fall.

Purple Cabbage

 I was asked to do some quick and short creative writing with 'purple' and 'cabbage', so here we go...

When you mention marinated purple cabbage among the list of ingredients in my tacos, you needn't say no more. I'm already drooling, waiting for my taco order. I forgot whether it was barbacoa or carne asada. I forgot whether I asked for extra cheese. I do remember though, that I asked for generous amounts of red salsa and green salsa and guacamole. Staring at the counter waiting for my order, I already feel my teeth biting through the slightly sour and crunchy purple cabbage while an explosion of juices from the delicious salsa and flavors from the tender meat fill my mouth. I'd slowly savour it as time would stop, until it reached my stomach with a wholesome gulp and a kick of euphoria. I was rudely woken up from my reverie by a man telling me - "I am sorry, we are out of purple cabbage. We only have green cabbage. Would you still like your tacos or would you prefer your money back?"

My heart sank and then I felt angry and then I made one of the most difficult decisions of the day. "I'd still like to have my tacos," I said. So, I had my tacos with boring but standard green cabbage, which wasn't so bad. I was satisfied enough with my day.

Crisis Again (but fainter...)

 

 

I was almost going to post this on my Instagram story because it resonated with me on some level, or wanted a certain someone to see it to understand, with a slight bend towards coercive social shaming that this is one proud way to live, in fact the trendier one. Maybe I wanted to shame other people too, I don’t know. Or maybe I didn’t want to, I was just considering the implication of doing that. Because that is what it would mean had I shared it to my story. But I didn’t because it did not resonate with me on that level. 

Yes, I do think I am indeed that kind of a rebel. And I am happy to see I am not alone. And I do see other people caged (but who is to say I have no cages?). But I don’t think it is wise to look down upon another person’s experience, even if it might feel like it is spiritually backward. First of all, needing to look down on other people’s life choices and feel extremely snug and proud about your own, in order to feel good, shows a poor source of confidence for your own choices. It is a trauma response. Interestingly enough, going through that stage is a necessity though. For the ego and for forward propulsion out of the injured state. I did go through that stage, I look back now and think. Identifying with the song “I’m an Albatross” exemplifies this avatar. Or archetype, if you’ll call it that. You need to become ‘something’ to handle ‘something’. You could choose either, based on which something you can control. It’s an interesting topic to delve into.

I'm an Albatross:

After realizing how much bucketloads of crap I had put up with because of the 2018 drama in my life (it was very shaming in some way, hard to explain. Kind of like, someone looking at your most vulnerable parts and laughing at them… ), I became dead focussed on ‘sanity’ and ‘normalcy’. I had zero tolerance for bullshit. But honestly, the drama was a blessing in disguise and I knew it on some level even then. I was now a fierce tiger and dealt excellently with any bullshit coming my way. I also got blessed with amazing people who are my best friends even today and my most favorite condo in Tempe. It felt like magic, like God was blessing me. I shed off weight by disconnecting from the old. Any weird stuff coming my way slipped off me like water droplets off a lotus leaf. My fighting spirit intact, I felt invincible. And then the epitome of sanity and normalcy and beauty and harmony, cherry on the cake, was delivered to my doorstep as my roommate who then became my boyfriend.

I held on to this trajectory even through the difficult times that followed. I fought through and achieved heart-warming success because my conviction was strong and my goal seemed closer than ever. I was indulging in it all, perhaps refusing to see when the trajectory had changed and got out of my control. I was after all not as powerful as I thought. I am only human (and everybody else I thought as fools in the past were humans too). And the goal I thought was attainable turned out to be a pipe dream. Thus, it is a thing to have strong convictions and fight for them. It is also a thing to be humble enough to realize some of your convictions may be faulty or erroneous. I guess that’s what we mean when we say we are all searching for the Truth. And then religion has tried to answer this question, and so has capitalism or socialism or any other forms of philosophy. But religion does not give a direct answer and instead has all these twisted messages that one is supposed to interpret and make sense of. Whatever that means, one thing seems clear to me, that the answer is subjective. Otherwise, the answer would be known by now that we have been around for thousands of years. We are all on a journey.

The motive to me seems, is to live your best life. And keep in mind ‘best’ is subjective too. Basically, it means do your best - and that’s so vague, lol, I really love that we have such words which have an exact meaning but are still so unspecific. Anyway, for most part, it means attaining awesome states of mind, living inside a healthy body, enjoying and seeking sensations that Nature has to offer. And the way to do that depends on how we are able to synergize our internal experience with the external. Both of these can be tweaked, and so the confusion arises how to go about it. Honestly, it is a different dimension and we cannot fathom it. But we are able to go one step at a time, and then the integration will cause a movement in this dimension, like the integral of dx in mathematics (lol). The problems that might arise are: someone might pursue ecstasy, or someone might use negative experiences to determine their path (because those are more easy to know clearly). The right thing will just feel right, and you will know it if you let yourself know it.

So, how about the relatively recent 'crisis'? Without the minimal social support I had before I couldn’t be a fighter anymore. It will take a while to figure out what exactly happened with me. But this is not the first time I have experienced a crisis like this. At this point, I just realize there is so much to learn and accept that I don’t yet. I want to get to know myself better - but there’s no saying that that’s something unchanging (gotta find out too about what it is that’s constant). And which aspect is the dragon? And I guess at some point I will have to submit to whatever archetype is taking over me because that would be the next stage of development. Sitting on the fence is not an option (but still required for some time for the sake of healing). This avatar would rise and then it would fall and crash again. And I would still be okay. My previous crisis was guilt, and now my crisis is fear. I just have to carry it with me and caretake it and it will disappear via assimilation. I’ll be fine. I’ll be better than fine.

Selfishness

 I was inspired to resume writing when I recently read an article that reminded me of me - the way I drew analogies from life. I was like, why did I ever stop? Thoughts flit through my mind and are lost without a trace, like a particle-antiparticle pair created from nothing and destroyed unto nothing. Fatigue seems to have caught up with me, years of struggling to just make it over the line. Whatever another may argue, I think it was necessary. There was no other way to get what I want. Such is the world.

I thought I'd start with this topic about selfishness because it is my immediate answer to the article I just read. Although I have never before thought of the world the way the author does, I agree in many ways. I do think there is no universal one size fits all and some people are always going to suffer. Sometimes it's their own fault, sometimes it is not. Well, 'fault' itself is a hard-to-define word. There is no justice in this world, I believe that strongly. So, what is my response? I want to protect my soul in this cold, cold world. I am not saying people are bad, but they are all flawed and destructive, including myself. And most importantly, everybody has very limited knowledge and are making life decisions through games they don't even know they are playing. 'Why' seems to be a long forgotten word.

Given now that I was born into this mad world, I need to find the treasure that is mine, that is hidden, but I can get there. Most people don't even believe they can have a treasure! But sadly, some of them actually don't. Some people are so deep inside the well that they can probably never get out. They say, you can do anything - but that is bullshit. Some people are mentally disabled, they can't do 'anything'. Some people are poor. There are millions of other problems that people suffer from. But life is still worth living if you believe in it. They accept that suffering will always be a part of their life and make peace with it (a relevant religion or philosophy definitely helps). Having thus conquered pain, they set a realistic goal that can make their life better. In this process, they are able to live through the same emotional states another more privileged person is able to live through. Maybe even better. And thus they win at life.

Curled up and Cozy

So, I am back in the world of blogging, hopefully for good. I hope this lasts... or do I? This is the comforting place I go back to when I am not in an actively happy state. But am I sad? I don't think so. I don't know how to describe this state but it is what it is. However, this blog is not about my state. It is about thoughts that come to me. Which usually happens when I am in this state, lol. But I'd like to share this piece of me, for whatever it's worth, to anybody out there, in this world, in this cosmos or beyond. So, hey! Welcome to my blog. :)

PhD.

 

How to keep our Immunity caring about the System

(this article originally appeared on the blog 'Lord of the Flies')

Life is a perpetual struggle, as it should be, forcing thermodynamics to its limit. 

One way to put up the milestones might be your achievements. Or it might even be your failures. Or it might be all the things you let go. Or it might be all the people you have ever loved. Or it might be all those things that you lost. Or it might be all the fairies you have believed in. Or it might even be all the fairies you stopped believing in. Or it might be the behavioral walls you built around yourself, to protect, to become immune. 

We are all born with soft, delicate baby skin, but this world is not a place for that. Our skin hardens and obtains the right complexion and toughness that is required to survive in our environment. It is a natural process. We gather antibodies only after suffering from the disease and surviving. In most cases, isolation is not the solution because if it takes the form of a delayed onset, it harms more than it helps. 

Over time, you become immune to everything. You become immune to bullies at school. You become immune to your parents’ negligence. You become immune to the unavailability of your brother. You become immune to the rude remarks of your sister. You become immune to the selfishness of your friends. You become immune to getting bad grades. You become immune to the prejudices of your professors. You become immune to rebuke by your employer. You become immune to the plight of the beggar on the street. You become immune to the sensitivity of your companion. You become immune to the emotions of your friend. You become immune to the dejected faces of people whom you disappointed. You also become immune to chicken pox and influenza. 

Being so immune is good. No one can hurt you, because no one can reach you. And in the meantime you can coldly play your cards and climb the socioeconomic ladder. 

But as we build this strong fort around ourselves for our protection, it must not become a labyrinth for our souls where we get lost. Yet it often does. The fort becomes more real than its occupant. 

We start by building baby forts. But when we are babies they look really big. We learn to gulp down a few things by getting used to them, or by using some form of "rationality". The highest of all walls we built around our ego, because we know that it has to be protected at all costs, because we know that any harm to it will shatter our confidence to fight, to live and to love. We always protect it, no matter what. 

To counter the risk of another person shattering our confidence, we just HAVE to believe that the person is a fool, and we are sucking up to him/her for OUR benefit and nothing else. But how can you ever respect a person if you have to wear armor whenever you have to face him/her? 

In the desperate attempt to protect ourselves, we shut out the reality we do not want to believe. We refuse to accept our own vulnerability. That might make us feel brave and give us some degree of satisfaction. In fact, it might be a great strategy to buckle up and move on. But to what extent? You lose track... is this person really you, is this really what you wanted? 

People vilify things they once loved because it hurts them to believe otherwise. 

Those battles we had fought in our childhood, fading away like a dream now, look like mere skirmishes. It was easy to stay immune to the world outside your home then, because there was some "apparent" self-sufficiency because your family was taking care of all your needs. Now it’s like you all have been thrown into a pile of candies and you get how much you take. You have to fight and the ugly face of survival appears. This is reality. It can get ugly. 

All the morals, sensitive thinking, reflection -all that held meaning, is just plain lost because you can see that it is not only taking you anywhere but they were empty casks that held nothing at all, no "real" value, nothing to face the reality. They can shade you from the sun for some time, but when you realize that you have got nothing left in spite of being so true to yourself, you realize it was your mistake to believe that people get what they deserve. And seriously, is not that the most illogical thing? Of course, people get what they take - it is so plain and simple. 

It hurts to fight and play dirty games to get something you love, because that is not how you romanticize. You want your lover to stay with you and love you back; you don’t want to have to fight with others to keep him/her. And so it goes with any work that you love, because you think it is yours. That is why competition hurts. Because you have to ‘prove’ that you are good- all the time. And you have to fight, even with those people who do not even "love" that work but they just want to be there for the bucks. And then you realize they are not even wrong. That is how things are and that is how they will always be. 

When you were out of the system, you never cared about it, so you never criticized the system, because there was nothing wrong with it and it seemed good, it is just that YOU were not interested. But then you were forced to fight for your living. So you stepped in and you immediately started getting scathed. Although you played by the rules, you started seeing the imperfections and the loopholes and you started feeling disgusted and hating the system like never before. Maybe, you have to become mean. You do not mind acting mean but it is so much effort! But what if you really become mean? The fort you have built has become you then, and you have lost your identity. 

But you should be more afraid of the fort than the reality around it. By building the fort you have made yourself even more vulnerable that something outside you can just get inside and change you! 

To prevent this, there should be something in your life that brings out your hidden softness. Some constant light that will always provide warmth and keep burning even in the coldest, windiest night. Something that will never let you forget who you are and why you are doing whatever you are doing, that will always show you the direction and whisper- keep going, I am here right next to you. Of course, its mere faith, faith in a person, faith in a process, faith in a deity, but faith is important. We must not become immune to this light. We must make ourselves vulnerable to it and let it tear us apart if it will. It is a gamble you cannot escape. 

There must be some way to find this light. Or is time the only answer? We should not mind as long as there is one.